Unbecoming to Become: How Contrast Reveals the Self

We often talk about "finding ourselves" as if it were a straight road toward a final destination. But what if it’s not about finding, but unbecoming? About shedding ideas, identities, and labels we didn’t even know we were carrying?

This idea echoes in my book Antithesis, which I co-wrote with Ludmila Vago. The title alone captures a belief I carry deeply: we recognize who we are through contrast. It's in the unfamiliar that we gain clarity. It's in facing what we are not that we begin to see who we might be.

Take, for example, the time I tried going vegetarian for 30 days. Honestly, I didn’t expect much besides cravings. I believed some pretty solid “truths” about food and health:

• To be strong and in shape, I had to eat meat.

• Plant-based diets meant too many carbs, so I’d gain weight.

• I would never get used to it, and it just “wasn’t me.”

But something surprising happened.

After the discomfort of the first week, I actually enjoyed it. Most of my meals today are still plant-based, not because I forced myself to change, but because I discovered I liked it. It fit. Or maybe, it revealed a part of me I hadn’t seen before.

It made me realize: we hold on to beliefs about ourselves that were never ours to begin with. Some are inherited, others absorbed. But until we challenge them, either by contrast, or by trying the “wrong” thing, we can’t know if they’re really true.

The same happened with my work. For years, I believed I wasn’t the “sales type.” Outbound sales? That was for people born with natural talent, the ones that have no shame and fear no rejection. Not for someone like me. And yes, the first attempts made me sick to my stomach and question the decision to even try.

But I persisted. I admitted I didn’t know how to do it and that I needed guidance. I reached out to the right person, dove into reading and studying the topic, and that became the first step into a path that now feels surprisingly aligned with me. Not because it was easy (it isn’t), but because it connected so many dots: curiosity, communication, challenge. Turns out, I had no idea I’d love it.

So here’s what I’m learning: sometimes, to become who you are, you have to do the things you thought you’d never do. And not everything you let go of is a loss: some things are simply not yours to carry.

This process of shifting, testing, peeling away is about returning to yourself, with more honesty and less noise. And contrast is a powerful way to get there.

A quiet question to leave you with:

What’s something you’ve avoided trying, not because it’s wrong, but because you’ve convinced yourself it’s not you?

Maybe that’s the next piece of your antithesis. Maybe, in going against what you thought you were, you’ll meet who you’ve been all along.